We are stronger together – it’s OK to disagree and it’s OK to be wrong - Daniel Mosby
I work for an educational publishing company. We regularly have quality assurance meetings where we review each other’s work. Occasionally in these meetings some people have the following attitude.
“My work is the best, I’m going to be very defensive of it but enjoy finding fault of others”
When someone adopts this mind set the meetings are unproductive, people fall out and the finished product isn’t as good as it could be.
Thankfully almost always people approach these meetings with this attitude.
“I’m proud of my work but I know I make mistakes sometimes, other people also have good ideas let’s work together to make the best product that we can”.
With this attitude meetings are enjoyable, you get on with your colleagues, you learn from each other and the final product is the best it can be.
In science there’s a process called peer review which is the gold standard for research. Here scientists look at each other’s work and evaluate it, if two scientists differ in their opinions the attitude is not:
“I want to prove that I’m right”
It’s:
“Let’s work together to find out who is right”
Sadly this isn’t how much of the world works. We live in an increasingly binary world where it’s either viewpoint A or view point B. No middle ground, no middle way. If you’re not for me you’re against me. Sadly increasingly today this turns into personal attacks on people’s character. Social media the internet and a lack of accountability in these forums for someone’s words only intensify this and often quite a toxic culture emerges quickly.
This is a trend, seen with Brexit, the US presidential debates, our current general election, covid vaccines and many more. Sadly it’s also a trend we see creeping, actually sometimes racing into church culture. The increased politicisation of the American church and Christian nationalism are symptoms of this culture. And when this culture prevails what should be civil debates around important issues like abortion, gay marriage, divorce, atonement theories etc become divisive and toxic. Too often people leave a church or are told to leave a church because they don’t agree. This makes me so sad. There is only one church, one global church which is the body and bride of Christ we are stronger when we are united and boy does the world need a strong church to bring light to the darkness right now.
With this binary culture complex issues like the Israel-Palestine conflict and transgender rights become simple sound bites where someone is forced to take a side often without really understanding the nuances of the situation. People seek to discredit those on the opposing side and no resolution is reached.
If we consider the greatest successes in ending conflict throughout history, the Good Friday agreement in Northern Ireland, independence for India under Ghandi the end to apartheid in South Africa, the American civil rights movement, the abolition of slavery in the UK.
All of those huge issues were resolved not by violence, not by argument but by people sitting around a table respectfully acknowledging differences, admitting mistakes and working together to find a way forward. Where one party wasn’t yet ready to have a discussion the other party continued to respectfully put their opinions forward with the door always open for discussion when the others side was ready. That’s how we make progress.
I was very pleased to see a local politician this week promising to play the ball and not the player in the upcoming elections.
You may have heard the story of the African American blues musician Daryl Davis who befriended the Imperial Wizard of the KKK Roger Kelly. Someone most people wouldn’t want to be associated with but over a period of many years Davis put effort into forming a relationship with Kelly and became one of his closest friends. What happened was Kelly realised that Davis wasn’t that different to him, he understood the other side of the argument and Kelly resigned his position within the KKK. That’s how we make progress.
Another temptation in a binary culture, in an attempt not to take a side or offend anyone is to, at least publicly, not have an opinion, or pretend an issue doesn’t exist. I’m not advocating for this approach either because what happens here is it leaves people on both sides feeling alienated and not listened to. Sometimes it takes brave people to stand up and say something controversial. Mandela, Martin Luther-King, Wilberforce, Jesus. But the key is to do it from a place of love without being judgemental, understanding the range of opinions, the culture and of context of each other’s arguments even if you don’t agree.
You see we increasingly live in an echo chambre, a bubble, we surround ourselves with those we agree with, we unfriend, block or unfollow people online. We dramatically announce our departure “I disagree with you I’m out”.
Taking time to seek out and understand the opinions of others is crucial. When I’m researching something I will read, speak to and try to understand the arguments and points of those who seemingly disagree with me. Often I realise that actually we agree, sometimes I recognise that actually I’m wrong, sometimes I still disagree but I’m able to engage better.
It's OK to have an opinion, it’s OK to put forward that opinion, it’s OK to be wrong.
It’s not OK to make personal attacks, it’s not OK to refuse to listen to the other side.
Some things other people have said to me because I’ve said something they disagree with are:
“False teacher”
“Leading people to hell”
“You’re going to hell”
That’s not OK, we can disagree on theology but it’s not OK to start being personal and judgemental.
It is possible to not just tolerate but be friends with people you disagree with. The best man at my wedding, and I was his best man, is a conservative voting, atheist. But we get on like a house on fire.
A gentleman I have been debating politics with online, is a friend in real life. I enjoy engaging politely with someone who has a different view point. Yes we disagree on some issues but we agree on so much.
No one likes to be wrong. But we all are from time to time and I think that it actually says a lot about someone when they admit that.
I know I’m controversial at times that’s a deliberate choice. I think one of my main jobs as your pastor is to make you think. To give you opportunities to consider what you believe. When I speak is it my opinion, yes a well considered and researched opinion but it’s my opinion. That’s the same for anyone who you hear preach no matter what their qualifications or standing. It's their opinion, their interpretation of scripture.
I have been wrong before and I am certain I will be wrong again. Just because I believe something doesn’t mean you have to. I will never ask someone to leave the church because we have theological disagreements. I have this approach for a few reasons but primarily because I want you to apply the same scrutiny to everyone you listen to be it a politician, preacher or sales person. Think is that what I believe, does this message reflect the God of love revealed to us by Jesus.
In a small independent church like ours accountability is a big issue. What’s to stop us becoming a cult? Well yes we have trustees and we have John Mastrogiovanni as our apostle and there are legal mechanisms around us being a registered charity. But our primary accountability is to each other. If you don’t agree with something I say or something that happens talk to me. I promise you issues get worse if they’re not aired. If you have an issue with someone the person you talk to about that issue is the person you have the issue with. If I don’t like something Eileen says there’s no point me complaining to Lillian about it. I need to go to Eileen and raise it directly with her.
We haven’t looked at scripture yet today. Turn with me to Matthew 18 and the words of Jesus:
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
That’s from the NIV. In the amplified Bible the word translated there as sin is translated as “wrongs”. The Greek word is hamartanó which yes to be fair is usually translated as sin. But let’s take a more in depth look, the literal translation of it is “missing the mark” to Greeks at the time it came in the context of shooting an arrow. Making a mistake.
So if someone makes a mistake, or you think they have, then Jesus is clear talk to that person and do what talk. “If they listen to you, you have won them over”. Sometimes when considering scripture it can be useful to think about what wasn’t said. Here Jesus didn’t say any of these things:
“If you convince them they are wrong you have won them over”
“If you force them to make a public apology you have won them over”
“If you shout at them then storm off in a huff you have won them over”
No “If they listen to you, you have won them over”. If you have a conversation where they listen to your view point. Friends it’s not about being right. John Mastro said when he was here last time “righteousness isn’t about being right”.
But what if they don’t listen, you try again but you take others with you. Not to stand behind you waving their fist, cheering you and jeering the others (politicians take note). You take others as a witness to hold each other to account.
If that doesn’t work the next stage is to take it the wider Church the ecclesia. Now this is something that is misinterpreted a lot. Taking it to the church doesn’t mean you get someone to stand at the front and you list all that you believe they have done wrong in an attempt to shame them. It’s clear from how Jesus dealt with people this isn’t his style. What I believe Jesus means here is you calmly and politely explain the issue, without making it personal, if they are willing you allow the other person to explain their opinion and we hope that both people are able to listen to each other.
But what if they still don’t listen, do we throw them out of the church? Do you have a fight, do you go telling everyone else about how you think they’re wrong?
No we treat them as we would a pagan or a tax collector. That doesn’t sound good. We all know how Jesus treated tax collectors.
Matthew 19:5
5 When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.”
Matthew 9:9
As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.
That verse continues
10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and sinners came and ate with him and his disciples. 11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?”
12 On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
To paraphrase if you disagree with someone you love them, you don’t refuse to meet with them you don’t go around slandering them, you invite them round for a meal, you invite them into you closest circle of friends. If they don’t accept the invite then that’s there choice but you always keep the door open.
You may have come across the concept of a growth mindset proposed by the psychologist Carl Dweck a growth mindset is the opposite of a fixed mindset. You can see here a representation of both of these ways of thinking.
People with a fixed mindset think their abilities are limited. They think their worth comes from being right, to admit they are wrong takes away all their security. People with a growth mindset understand that challenges allow them to develop their abilities and look at challenges as opportunities to learn.
Let us ask God to help us have a growth mindset, let us ask him to help us disagree well. Let’s ask him to help us admit when we are wrong. Let’s ask him to help us understand the view point of others.
Let’s ask God to help us think could I be wrong? Just because I’ve always been taught something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right. When someone says something you disagree with don’t just cast it out. Take time to understand their point of view, explore the wider context, talk to them about it.
Perhaps they’re right and you can be big enough to admit that you’re wrong.
Perhaps you’re right and they may admit they’re wrong.
Perhaps neither of you are right and there’s a middle way.
Perhaps you both need to do more research, praying and thinking to establish who is right.
Perhaps you are both right.
Talking is always going to be better than falling out. The church, the world, Keighley doesn’t need more division it needs more unity. We are stronger together. We are stronger when we are able to work with those we disagree with. We are stronger when we can admit we are wrong.